Thank you for writing this, I recognize a lot of the feelings and thought processes here. One way for me to answer is is to ask: who decided that I should only care about the end state of things? Why can't we find meaning in the process of our lives? If I do something now that's meaningful to someone else, why does it matter that that thing is not permanent?
Another answer could be to accept the meaninglessness and emptiness of everything and then realize that since you are free from having to lead a meaningful life, you now have the choice of how to spend it instead. Even if there's no meaning, wouldn't you rather live a happy life than a sad one? A long one rather than a short one? One surrounded by friends than a lonely one?
Anyway, I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Becky Chambers' "A Psalm for the Wild-Built":
> “You’re an animal, Sibling Dex. You are not separate or other. You’re an animal. And animals have no purpose. Nothing has a purpose. The world simply is. If you want to do things that are meaningful to others, fine! Good! So do I! But if I wanted to crawl into a cave and watch stalagmites with Frostfrog for the remainder of my days, that would also be both fine and good. You keep asking why your work is not enough, and I don’t know how to answer that, because it is enough to exist in the world and marvel at it. You don’t need to justify that, or earn it. You are allowed to just live. That is all most animals do.”
Thank you for writing this, I recognize a lot of the feelings and thought processes here. One way for me to answer is is to ask: who decided that I should only care about the end state of things? Why can't we find meaning in the process of our lives? If I do something now that's meaningful to someone else, why does it matter that that thing is not permanent?
Another answer could be to accept the meaninglessness and emptiness of everything and then realize that since you are free from having to lead a meaningful life, you now have the choice of how to spend it instead. Even if there's no meaning, wouldn't you rather live a happy life than a sad one? A long one rather than a short one? One surrounded by friends than a lonely one?
Anyway, I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Becky Chambers' "A Psalm for the Wild-Built":
> “You’re an animal, Sibling Dex. You are not separate or other. You’re an animal. And animals have no purpose. Nothing has a purpose. The world simply is. If you want to do things that are meaningful to others, fine! Good! So do I! But if I wanted to crawl into a cave and watch stalagmites with Frostfrog for the remainder of my days, that would also be both fine and good. You keep asking why your work is not enough, and I don’t know how to answer that, because it is enough to exist in the world and marvel at it. You don’t need to justify that, or earn it. You are allowed to just live. That is all most animals do.”
That's a beautiful quote, and a great book rec. Thanks!